The do’s and don’ts of going on holiday

Just about to set off on your holiday? Here are some dos and don’ts:

Do practice walking in flip-flops.

There are over 10,000 flip-flop related incidents every summer, most of which go unreported.

Make sure you aren’t one of the unlucky ones by trying on your new flip-flops and practising walking in them. 5 minutes around the house should do the trick. You want to get a feel for the flip-flops. Unfamiliarity with your new footwear can be incredibly dangerous. You could fall over on your way back from the bar and spill your drink. There’s nothing worse than a flip-flop-slip-drop.

If you’re like me, you’re probably rocking Primark flip-flops. I like to go to Primark for my flip flops as they cost £1. That’s 50p a flip-flop. You can’t complain about those kind of prices. However the quality isn’t great, they do tend to disintegrate if you go near the water. Maybe you can complain about those kind of prices. You get what you pay for.

I always leave my flip-flops on holiday, convinced they have become unwearable. 11 months later I think ‘Why did I leave my perfectly good flip-flops on holiday?’

Do take a picture of the wing of the plane.

Would it even be classed as a holiday if you didn’t take a picture of the wing?

Here’s mine from last year:


It has to be done. How else are your long suffering friends and family going to know you are away? Yes you’ve been telling them constantly for the past 3 weeks but just to prove you weren’t lying, take a picture of the wing to prove that you’re about to set off to have the time of your life.

If you’re not sat near the wing, ask an air-stewardess to take one for you. Explain that you need the crucial ‘wing pic’ to rub your loved ones stupid noses in it.

Don’t buy too much at Duty Free.

Be careful when taking advantage of chocolate offers in the airport.

I was once caught out after a tempting buy one get one free offer on some Giant Dairy Milk Buttons. I could have gone for the the standard buttons but I was on holiday, I went giant. Go big or go home eh?

I ate the two giant packets of Giant Dairy Milk Buttons all to myself and on a particularly wobbly landing into Barcelona, I filled two giant sick bags.

For some strange reason, maybe I felt guilty I’m not sure, I took the sick bags with me. Quickly I discovered that there are no bins in airports. There are also no bins near airports. The sick bags travelled with me on the 45 minute bus ride to my hotel.

‘Hola! I would like to check in please. Also, could you please dispose of these?’

Beware the Duty Free.

Do have a drink at 5:30am and pretend you are enjoying it.

Has anyone ever genuinely enjoyed alcohol before breakfast?

It’s the rules ok, you’re in an airport so you must drink alcohol. Again, make sure you take a picture of this. People need to know you are on holiday and having a brilliant time.

The caption on this photograph should be ‘The holiday starts here!’

Make sure the picture is just of the alcohol and not of you actually drinking the alcohol. Nobody want to see you drip-white at Manchester airport forcing down an overpriced pint of Carlsberg Export.

Don’t wear jeans.

On a recent holiday I traveled in jeans and nearly died before I reached my hotel.

It was 1,000,000 degrees and I was dressed in jeans and a shirt. Not even summer jeans, winter jeans. Jeans you would wear in a blizzard.

Always travel in shorts. If your legs get cold in the airport, rub them.