5 signs that you went to a crap high school

I went to a crap high school.

It was a constant struggle. If you made it through to the end of the school day without being thumped in the head, you’d had a good day.

I grew up in Wortley. A beautiful district of Leeds with a vibrant mix of pubs, takeaways and desperation.

My high school was called Wortley High School. Opposite a rival school called West Leeds High School. The two hated each other and children from rival schools would often fight to the death at various prearranged meeting points in the Leeds area. Wortley High School has now been demolished but the painful memories of how crap it actually was will stay with me for a lifetime.

Here are 5 signs that you also went to a crap high school:

1. You were served cheap chips

Before Jamie bloody Oliver came along and started kicking off, chips at my high school were a way of life. The school day would start at 9am and by 11am we were all desperate for chips.

We used to break from lessons to eat chips. Very yellow, very soggy chips.

600 kids would descend on the canteen and it was absolute anarchy. 50p would get you a cone of Wortley’s finest. There was a very specific way to eat the chips. You’d eat about half of the cone and then throw the remaining chips in the face of your friend. You would then kick chips at each other until the bell went before returning to your lesson much greasier than when you left.

One day Jamie bloody Oliver changed all that. The chips were gone. It was even more chaotic than usual. There was a display on the wall about the benefits of eating fruit and the cones of chips had been replaced with cones of carrots.

Have you tried taking a cone of carrots to the face? It hurts.

2. You had to deal with seagulls everyday

Leeds isn’t near the sea. Leeds isn’t anywhere near the sea.

Huge flocks of seagulls would circle the school on a daily basis. The seagulls had realised that rather than wasting their time at the beach eating discarded fish and chips, it was much easier to eat the mountain of litter that we created in and around the school grounds.

I grew up very close to a rubbish tip, which was great for the seagulls because they could split their time between the dump and the school.

It was the best of both worlds.

3. Lessons were held in portacabins

French lessons were the least favourite part of my week.

Mainly because they were held in a temporary classroom. The temporary classroom was a portacabin which was so old the walls would sway in the wind.

During the winter we were made to keep our coats on just to make sure nobodies arms and legs froze off.

4. A TV on wheels was the best part of your day


Seeing this thing being wheeled into a lesson was the stuff of dreams.

Those squeaky wheels were like music to my ears. We once watched the film Ghost in R.E when learning about the afterlife.

I never stood a chance.

5. You never, ever went to the toilet


There were two rules for using the toilets at my high school:

  1. Never go in.
  2. If you do go in, you will have your head flushed down the toilet.

If you needed a poo, you had to go home.