5 signs that you’re trying to be healthy but you haven’t got a clue what you’re doing

I love food.

If I’m not eating it, I’m either thinking about it or I’m blogging about it. Sometimes I’m thinking about it whilst eating it whilst blogging about it.

*brushes biscuit crumbs from keyboard*

I’ve always had a taste for unhealthy food. It just tastes better doesn’t it?

To give you an idea of how much I like unhealthy food, one year I got a birthday card from my local Pizza Hut.

That’s not a joke. I’m not making that up. I wish I was, but I’m not. That actually happened.

So I’m on a health kick.

I’ve been eating healthy food for just over 48 hours now and already the cracks are starting to show. I miss chocolate. I miss chocolate with a cup of tea. A cup of tea and a Twirl, oooh I’m getting all flustered just thinking about it.

It’s not been a great start.

Here’s 5 signs that you’re trying to be healthy but you haven’t got a clue what you’re doing:

1. You don’t know the names of healthy foods

I’ve been buying healthy ingredients that I’ve never heard of.

I don’t know what I’m doing. I’ve been eating chips and gravy for years. One of the healthy recipes I’m trying includes mangetout. (Genuinely thought that was just one of Del Boy’s catchphrases rather than something you can eat.)

It looks like this (apparently):

Looks delicious. I’m sure you’ll agree.

I had to Google it, I had no idea what it was or looked like. Yesterday I tried Kale for the first time in my life. No idea what Kale was before yesterday. It’s a sort of cabbage.

It’s no chips and gravy let me tell you.

What’s cous-cous by the way? Rice? It didn’t taste like rice.

2. You can’t do a burpee

This morning I did my first, and what will undoubtably be my last, burpee.


A physical exercise consisting of a squat thrust made from and ending in a standing position.

I’m not built for the burpee.

I can’t do it. I tried and failed. It ended with carpet burns. I’m the kind of person that struggles to get out of an armchair without making a noise.


A physical exercise when you’re in your late twenties and out of shape consisting of getting out of a chair whilst making a horrendous groaning noise ending in a standing position.

3. You spend lots of money on fruit 

We went a little bit OTT with the fruit.

It’s more a fruit barrel than a fruit bowl.

There’s too much fruit. My plums have still not softened up. They’re rock hard, have been for days. I’ve got wrinkly apricots and my grapes have gone untouched.

I’ve considered blending all the fruit up into to a smoothie. Have you ever attempted to create a home made fruit smoothie? It never goes well. Here’s how all home made smoothie attempts pan out:

1) Blend Fruit

2) Taste disgusting blending fruit

3) Panic and add milk

4) Taste disgusting blended fruit and milk

5) Panic and add yoghurt

6) Taste disgusting blended fruit and milk and yoghurt

7) Throw mixture down sink

8) Block sink

4. You attempt to exercise with an app

I recently attempted to use on app to get fit.

It didn’t work.

The 7 minute workout app. Longest seven minutes of my life. 7 minutes doesn’t sound like a long time does it? It really is.

Since deleting the 7 minute workout app I’ve been searching for something that might be better suited to my needs. Unfortunately there’s no signs yet of a 7 second workout app on the App Store.

Fingers crossed.

5. You actually consider spending £150 on Joe Wicks’ 90 day lean in 15 plan

I nearly spent £150 on his 3 month plan.

It’s getting loads of praise online. If you don’t know who Joe Wicks is, he’s a curly haired man who is encouraging people to get lean in 15.

I couldn’t bring myself to spend £150 on his plan. I’m happy to be not quite lean in not quite 15.

I’ve also already spent about that much on fruit.