Halloween: The 10 stages of pumpkin envy

Today was Halloween.

It’s a strange day. The checkout girls in Tesco wear witches hats and children come to your house expecting a free Wagon Wheel.

I’ve got a bit of a love/hate relationship with Halloween. It’s all got a little bit out of hand now. It used to be about dressing up as a bin bag and having a good time.

I love the sweets. It’s always nice when you get about three kids that come to your door as you can eat all the left over sweets. I’ve been grazing on fun-size Twix’s since 7:45pm.

I hate the apple bobbing. What a disgusting tradition. I don’t want to submerge my head in a bucket of water and saliva and half eaten apples and snot. All you should be doing with apples at this time of year is covering them in chocolate and putting them on a stick.

Growing up, we were the family that would pretend not to be in. Halloween for me was watching the TV in the dark and muting it every time someone came to the door. (In a world before Sky+ where you couldn’t pause live television, it made watching Coronation Street particularly tricky.)

As an adult, it’s all about the pumpkin carving.

Beware the pumpkin envy. Here’s how it usually goes down:

1. Buy a massive pumpkin.
2. Google the words ‘pumpkin carving ideas’.
3. Decide to carve a really complicated design.
4. Loose confidence in your pumpkin carving abilities.
5. Decide to carve two eyes and a mouth.
6. Cut open a pumpkin.
7. Remember instantly that you hate the smell of pumpkins.
8. Make a horrendous pumpkin mess.
9. Put a picture of your disappointing pumpkin on Facebook.
10. Like pictures of your friend’s pumpkins on Facebook whilst secretly feeling incredibly envious of the intricate designs and mumbling to yourself ‘they must have special tools, they must have special tools.’

If like me, your pumpkin envy was uncontrollable this year… Just remember, pumpkin carving skills will get you nowhere in life. Your pumpkin looked better anyway. Plus, what has Tinkerbell even got to do with Halloween?

Here’s my attempts this year:

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I went for the word ‘boo’. It’s easy to carve.

Hope you had a cracking Halloween everybody.

I’m going to go listen to Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’ for the 19th time today and throw up into an empty bag of fun-size Twix’s.