3 things I’ve recently got wrong in a massive way

I get things wrong.

It’s something I’ve done for years. Maybe I’ll misunderstand a piece of information or not pick up on something that’s blatantly obvious. Luckily for me, I’ve developed this comical persona that allows me to get things wrong. When I say/do something stupid people just think I’m ‘doing a joke’ or ‘having a laugh’.

I’m not doing a joke or having a laugh. I’m just like this.

Here are 3 things I’ve recently got wrong in a massive way:

The all day breakfast

I’ve had a fair few of these in my life.

It’s a classic British pub favourite. I take mine with a huge mug of tea and some extra slices of toast. Champion.

However. I’ve somehow misunderstood what an all day breakfast actually is. For years.

Up until a week ago, I thought an all day breakfast was a breakfast that was so big it filled you up for the day. Turns out, it’s a breakfast that is served all day.

I know, unbelievable. How did I get that so wrong?

The other day, whilst tucking into an all day breakfast, I was moaning to my better half that an all day breakfast shouldn’t be called an all day breakfast:

“I don’t think it’s right”, I said. “It’s never been a replacement for all 3 meals for the day.” She looked on with confusion. “I’ll maybe skip lunch after a fry up in the morning but I’m always hungry by tea time, it doesn’t fill you up for the full day. I mean, It’s false advertising”, I continued, “It’s false advertising they shouldn’t call it that!”

What a berk.

She quickly put me right and explained that the meal is not supposed to be the only meal you eat that day.

I think where I’ve got confused is I just assumed all the food on menus is served all day. To stop any further confusion I’ve started ordering all food as all day food.

Can I have the all day lasagne please?

Problem solved.

Raisins

This one makes me look like an idiot.

I was visiting family and we were playing a board game. The game involved answering questions and you know when there are kids in the room so you try to get them involved? So to make a 5 year old child feel part of the game, his Mum asked him a question that she knew he’d know the answer to.

“What fruit do you dry to get raisins?” she said.

The group smiled with encouragement towards him like you would do, prompting him to say the fruit and getting ready to give him a big round of applause. The whole time I’m looking at this kid thinking;

“I’ve literally got no idea what fruit you are about to say.”

I must have missed the week in school where you learn about dried fruits or something? I’d thought raisins were raisins. From the… raisin, tree?

“GRAPES!” shouts the kid and everyone claps.

I’m just sat there, with my mind blown.

Tipple over

I was telling an anecdote to a work colleague about a horrific experience I’d had during a P.E lesson at school.

I’ve got several anecdotes about horrific experiences I’ve had during P.E lessons at school that I’ll often share with friends, family, colleagues, people in the street, anybody who’ll listen.

“I could never do a tipple over.” I said to my colleague. “A what?” he goes, like he’d never heard of one before. “Erm.. A tipple over.” I said again. “You know, a tipple over.”

I didn’t have any other way to describe what one was. I’d only ever known it as a tipple over.

I just kept saying it louder and louder. “A TIPPLE OVER MAN!”

Turns out my colleague, who isn’t from Yorkshire the poor thing, didn’t know what a tipple over was. He had only ever called it a forward roll which apparently is what it is ‘actually’ called.

Turns out tipple over is a Yorkshire slang word. Well nobody told me.

They should tell you these things before you leave I reckon. I’m thinking some kind of leaflet needs handing out when you cross the border.

You’ve now left Yorkshire, here’s some things you have to stop saying. (Not the snappiest title for a leaflet I’ll give you that but it does the job.)

I’ve made a start:

Doylum

Chip butty

Ginnel

Tipple over

“Oi! Stop doing tipple over’s in the ginnel! You’ll throw up your chip butty you doylum!”