5 ways to tell if you’re a coffee shop snob

I like coffee shops.

I’ve been hooked ever since they got trendy about 10 years ago. Big chairs. Big muffins. Job, as they say, is a good one.

However. Are you a coffee shop snob?

You probably don’t think you are. How could you be? You’re such a down to earth, chilled out, easy going, lovely and perfect human.

Let’s have a look:

You judge everybody in the coffee shop the second you walk in

You’ve walked in to the coffee shop but you’re still not sure if you’re going to stay. Let’s not forget you’re not a normal person, you are special. You can’t sit in a coffee shop full of, as you would describe them, ‘tramps’. It’s therefore your responsibility to stand at the counter and judge everybody around you before you decided to stay. If they aren’t up to your standards or you don’t like the ambience, leave. You’re better than them and you deserve the right kind of coffee experience surrounded by the right kind of people.

Who do you think you are? Sit down. You are a snob.

You move seats 3 times before settling on a spot

Coffee shop table envy. We’ve all been there. Sure this a nice table, but is it the right table? We’re too close to the toilets. Let’s sit here instead. Oh look that sofa is free.

Sit down. Stop moving. You are a snob.

You suddenly hate all children

How dare those parents bring their children to Costa Coffee. This isn’t some run down cafe, this is Costa Coffee. Have some respect. Oh great one of the children is laughing. He’s laughing and it’s ruining my day. Look at hideous joyful smile.

Calm down, children are loud. You are a snob.

You take several photos of your coffee 

Well what is the point of spending money on over-priced coffee if nobody knows about it? Don’t eat that! I’m taking a picture put it down. Put that coffee behind it. Put it behind it and get that muffin in, that’s it. I’m just gonna take one on portrait mode. I’m gonna move further back and get it all in.

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Good. Morning.

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Eat your sandwich, nobody cares. You are a snob.

You write a blog in a coffee shop about people who are coffee shop snobs

Just because you are commenting on it, don’t think you are exempt. Referring to yourself in the third person, sipping on a Cappuccino all pleased with your latest entry. So clever isn’t it this blog? They’ll love it won’t they? The 7-8 people who regularly read this blog. Who do you think you are brining a laptop to a coffee shop? Don’t try and make it look like you’re doing something important by doing a serious face.

Go and take another picture of your coffee, I hope you choke on your own self-importance. You are a snob.