An open letter to McVities

To McVities,

I am a lifelong biscuit enthusiast.

When I have a cup of tea I like to have something to dunk. Is there anything more satisfying than dunking a biscuit in a cuppa? It’s not a choice it’s a necessity.

I am somewhat of a maverick, I’m always searching for new things to dunk in my tea. The other week I experimented with dunking a slice of fruit loaf. It didn’t work, I almost choked on a raisin.

You could say I’m on a mission to find the best thing to dunk in my tea. You name it, I’ve dunked it. I like Hobnobs, I like chocolate and I like handy sized cereal bars. So imagine my pure delight when I discovered the McVitie’s Hobnobs Snack Bar.

A deliciously good combination of McVitie’s Hobnobs biscuit chunks combined with crunchy cereals and juicy raisins, lovingly finished off with a delicious layer of milk chocolate. A great tasting snack, perfect for any time of the day.

I couldn’t believe my luck.

This euphoria was short lived however on opening my snack bar.

This image, as I’m sure you’ll agree, is quite shocking.

As you can see I was left with a snack bar that was nowhere near the snack bar I was expecting. I was left with something that resembled a Tetris block. (Hence the hashtag #tetrisgate which I am still very proud of.)

It’s been over 72 hours since I reached out to you on Twitter to try and get some answers. I’ve since received absolutely no response from you on this matter which I’m sure you’ll agree is completley unacceptable.

What’s even more shocking is it turns out I’m not the only loser bringing this sort of stuff to your attention. There’s a whole world of overdramatic biscuit lovers taking pictures of their biscuit troubles.

A world of people with nothing better to do. A world of people pointing at slightly misshapen biscuits in the hope of getting some free biscuits. I’d like to share with you a couple of my favourites:

Easter was, understandably, ruined after this shocking biscuit horror story:

Jasmine’s brownies are not as gooey as they used to be. SORT IT!


Man finds small section of biscuit missing, assumes rats have eaten it:

Unfortunately due to unforeseen circumstances I will not be joining your club.

I’m proud to be standing alongside my fellow biscuit brother and sisters as we fight the good fight. We’ve clearly stood up for what we believe.

We’ve said ‘You know what, this isn’t good enough. This isn’t right.’

We’ve said ‘Do you think I’ll get some free biscuits if I put this on Twitter?’

McVities I hope this letter finds you well. I hope you manage to try and silence the small number of people on Twitter trying to get free biscuits.

I hope my next Hobnob Snack Bar doesn’t resemble an 80’s arcade game.

All the best,

Tom Boston