The 5 types of London cyclists | Which one are you?

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like.

Clearly London agrees with Freddie as there are over 23 million cycling journeys a year taking place in the capital.

However even more shocking than that shockingly shocking statistic is that all of those cyclists can be very easily identified as one of only five types.

After some extensive research, I’ve discovered that every cyclist in London falls into one of these five categories:

The have-a-go hero

The most commonly seen cyclist in the London is the have-a-go hero. Wearing absolutely no cycling gear whatsoever, they’re ready to jump off their Boris bikes and grab a tall skinny frapalapadoodah without even breaking a sweat. Cycling ability may not be as good as it could be but who cares, they are the champions of London. Don’t get in their way, they must be in the office for 9am. Time is money.

The Militant Cyclist

The worst of all the cyclists. With a go-pro strapped to their head and the weight of the world on their shoulders, be prepared to be sworn at loudly by the militant cyclist. They hate cars and they hate pedestrians and they hate life. They are extremely vocal about this. If they catch you showing any sign of disrespect towards cyclists, you’ll face the wrath of the militant cyclist. They will shower at work. Who showers at work?

The Mary Poppins

They ride their bicycles in a very British way. They aren’t in any rush and they may even ring their bicycle bell with glee as they merrily peddle away their worries. Time is no issue to the Mary Poppins. They may even take the scenic route and soak up the sites of London. They cycle with precision and optimism. Most likely of all the cyclists to cycle through a puddle, stick their legs and say ‘Wheeee!”

The Tour-De-France

Could join a professional bike race at any moment. Dressed from head to toe in bike gear, the expensive stuff. Would shave their legs to make their bodies more streamlined if it saved them time on their journey. The Tour-de-France tracks their journeys on a fancy electronic gizmo and posts the results online. Has a bike with really thin wheels and could kill you with their legs.

The Fold Away

My absolute favourite of all the London cyclists is The Fold Away. Though their wheels may be small their hearts are large and their minds are pure. They laugh in the face of danger and they have to peddle really fast to make those little wheels spin around. At the end of the working day they fold their bikes up and they hold them with pride. Pure pride. Often picked on by many of the other cyclists.