5 proper New Year’s resolutions for 2018

It’s 2018. Isn’t time flying?

Christmas is over. Asda are stocking Easter Eggs. 2018 is in full swing.

I reckon by now you’ve heard the phrase “New Year, New You”.

I’ve started the year almost exactly as I left last year. The only real difference being that I’ve altered my appearance by having a haircut and putting on two stone.

January is hard. Making resolutions is hard. Lot’s of people try to lose weight.

Losing weight is hard.

One of my resolutions was to loose weight. I took this very seriously and I ate every single piece of chocolate in the house between Christmas and New Year. My intentions were good. Kick off the year eating healthy. Let’s do this.

Then on New Years Day I ate an entire cheese board.

So I scrapped resolutions that were too hard to stick to and I came up with five alternatives.

(These resolutions are for my own amusement and should not be taken seriously by anyone.)

Get to know the grumpy bloke who delivers your groceries

There are two different blokes that deliver my shopping. One is lovely. The other is horrible.

The lovely man, I’ll talk to him all day long. He gets a kick out of my jolly Northern accent. He likes my dog. He’s a lovely man.

I gave him a mince pie at Christmas. I gave him one of the ones with the icing on the top. Sainsbury’s Taste The Difference. That’s how lovely this man is.

The other delivery bloke grunts at me.

He just grunts. He’s a horrible little man.

However, I’m going to get to know him. He will be my friend, whether he likes it or not. I reckon there’s a troubled soul behind those grunts. If anyone can turn that frown upside down, it’s me.

(Selfies of us frolicking throughout the year to follow)

Start a conversation in the workplace about which biscuit is best

I’ve tried this a couple of times. It works like a treat every single time.

If you ask a group of say five or more people which biscuit is the best biscuit, you can start a workplace riot.

Nobody agrees, everybody falls out. There’s always raised voices. Sometimes physical violence.

The last one I was involved in, someone suggested the pink wafer.

Of all the biscuits. What was he thinking?

He was immediately escorted off the premises for his own safety.

Ask people what they’ve got planned for insignificant days in the calendar year

Good for confusing people this one.

Pick a fairly insignificant day in the year and ask someone what they’ve got planned for that day. (The key to making this work is you want to seem disappointed, almost a little disgusted, when they struggle to answer.)

Here’s a couple of examples to get you started.

You: “What have you got planned for Pancake Day this year?”

Them: “Nothing. Why?”

You: *long pause, horrified look* “Oh. Oh no no no.” *walk away*

You: “How are you celebrating St.George’s Day this year?”

Them: “I don’t celebreate it.”

You: *long pause, horrified look* “Shocking.” *walk away*

Dont forget to walk away. That’s a really important bit.

Be unnecessarily against Veganuary

You might have heard the phrase Veganuary being tossed around this year.

Why not make it your mission to be unnecessarily against the whole concept? Here are a few key phrases to subtly drop into conversation.

“If there’s one thing I hate, it’s Vegans and Veganuary.”

“I thought January couldn’t get any worse, then I heard about Veganuary.”

“If I hear one more Vegan talking about Veganuary, I’m going to smack them in the mouth with this turnip.”

Tell people your dog is called anything other than his actual name

I spend a lot of time with my friendly hairy sidekick.

He’s called Ralph.

I get stopped a lot in London and people ask me his name. For 2018, I’ll be introducing him to new members of the public under a different name. For my own amusement I’ll be using the name Barry.

When Barry doesn’t respond, I’ll ask them if they are doing Veganuary and explain that neither me or Barry are supporters of Vegans or people who are doing Veganuary.

We’ll then bid them farewell and be on our way.