The do’s and don’ts of being a newlywed

I got married last year.

It was the best day that I’ve had in my whole life. I couldn’t be any happier with my lovely shiny brand new wife.

Not only did I get a wife that day, I became a newlywed. I reckon you get about six months of being able to be call yourself a newlywed. Anyone claiming to be a newlywed after six months is clutching at straws.

You’re not newlywed after six months. You’re just wed. Or ‘married’ as it’s more commonly referred to.

My newlywed status is coming to an end. Just before I become a not-so-newlywed, I’m sharing some of my words of wisdom on how to make a new marriage a success.

A complete guide to wedded bliss.

Do show people wedding photos

Wedding photos. People love wedding photos.

“Have you got any pictures of the wedding on your phone?”

Be careful.

Yes, I’ve got lots of lovely pictures of the wedding on my phone. No, I don’t want to spend fourty-five minutes watching you scroll through the entire album.

Save yourself valuable time by carefully selecting three pictures of the wedding. Your token wedding shots.

That’s all they need.

I’ve gone for:

  • The church.
  • The wife.
  • Me and the wife.

How was the wedding you say? Let me show you on my phone in ten seconds.

There’s the church. There’s my wife. There’s me and my wife.


Don’t move to London

£5 a pint is widely regarded as a cheap drink.

You won’t be able to enjoy your new marriage paying £5 for a pint.

There’s also no Oyster Card discount for being a newlywed. I asked someone from Transport for London what the newlywed discount is and he looked at me like I was insane.

On a side note, there’s also no Oyster Card discount for the following:

  • Having a dog
  • Being Northern
  • Asking politely
  • Being a blogger
  • Thinking you sort of deserve it

Don’t put on weight just because you no longer have to slim into that waistcoat

The other day I was showing someone my wedding photos.

There’s the church. There’s my wife. There’s me and my wife. Done.

The person I was showing the photos to said “Wow don’t you look slim!”

Which is a nice way of saying “Wow you’ve got so fat since the wedding!”

Just because you don’t have to fit into that waistcoat anymore, doesn’t mean you can just eat cheese. I don’t think I ate cheese for about a month before the wedding. I celebrated by squeezing in two months worth of cheese the month after the wedding.

Chedded bliss.

Do enjoy finally having a way to introduce your partner

I really like having a wife.

Finally I have a way to introduce her to people without sounding like a fourteen-year-old boy.

I really struggled with the word girlfriend. “Hello, this is my girlfriend.” I would cringe at that word. It sounded like we’d just kissed in the playground and decided to go public.

It’s no better when you get engaged. “Hello, this is my fiancée”. Sounds like you’re showing off. The word is too fancy. “His fiancée? Who does he think he is?”

Now I’ve got a proper word that I can say with pride.

When booking a table. “A table for two, for me and my wife.”

When asking people if they’ve seen her. “Excuse me, have you seen my wife?”

When answering the phone. “Hello wife.”

Do be nice to your new spouse

The day I got married, or ‘trapped her into loving me forever’ as I like to call it, I was just about the happiest bloke you’d care to meet.

Keep that feeling and hold on to it. It’ll make you a better version of yourself.

I’m still a happy bloke, and it’s not just down to the vast amounts of cheese that I’m consuming. It’s thanks to my amazing wife.

Happy wife. Happy life.

A cracking little phrase that. Easy to remember which is good. Nice and easy for us men to remember.

Obviously, it’s important that the bloke is happy too.

But nothing rhymes with husband except Cumberland.

Happy husband. Give him a Cumberland.