Bloody hell it’s warm.
A heatwave has hit the UK and we’re as equally as unprepared as we were when it snowed and the shops ran out of bread.
London gets hot. Proper hot.
I’ve lived up North for years where anything warmer than sixteen degrees was tropical.
I’m not used to this heat. I’ve gone into panic mode. I’m seriously contemplating wearing the one pair of shorts I own and gracing the good people of London with my pathetically white legs.
It must be warm.
Here’s some ways to survive the London sunshine.
Take your top off
There’s nothing better than a shirtless man on his lunch break. Shirt tucked in to his back pocket. Sunglasses on the top of his head. Parading around the city like a gazelle. What a magnificent specimen.
Fair play to these guys. The sun is shining, the shirt is coming off. I’m not one for removing my clothes in England. I’m proactively in my clothes in public areas at all times.
On holiday, it’s a different story. Take me abroad and you can’t put clothes on me for love nor money. I get that holiday confidence and just let it all hang out baby. It must be the heat. Or the alcohol. Or a combination of the two.
A shirtless man in London is the happiest of all men. How can you be hot when you’re shirtless? These guys are geniuses.
Improve your day by getting your nipples out.
Complain about the heat
If there’s one thing we love, it’s a good moan.
Do the right thing. Once you’ve enjoyed the sun for fifteen minutes. Start to get flustered and complain.
It doesn’t matter exactly what you say. Just exhale loudly and shake your head whilst you have a good old grumble.
Struggling to think of the perfect moan?
Here are a few of my favourites:
- It’s too warm for me to continue enjoying my day
- I shouldn’t have worn jeans because now I’ve got sweaty knees
- I’m struggling to breath as a result of the weather
Take a picture of the sun
Is it even sunny if it’s not on your Instagram story?
Take a picture of the sun. Top it off with a sunglasses emoji and you’ve got yourself a good time.
Make sure you include the temperature just to make sure that your followers are aware that it’s really warm.
Buy an ice cream
I like a Magnum on a hot day.
The Magnum retains its shape, even in extreme heat.
It’s not like a Twister. If you want a sticky hand, get a Twister. That bad boy will melt fast. As soon as it’s out of the packet, it’s melting and you’re in danger.
I’ve never been let down by a Magnum. A Magnum would never put you in danger.
Cuddle some strangers
When it gets really warm in London, there’s one thing that I love to do.
I go underground and cuddle up to other warm people on a warm train in a warm tunnel.
Londoners have been doing this for many years and it’s something I’ve really embraced since moving down here.
Why do we do this to ourselves? On a hot day, it’s six times warmer on the London Underground than it is on ground level.
That’s a fact. You can’t argue with the facts.
Sure you’ll want to pass out. Sure it will smell like sweat. Just deal with it. If it all gets too much, have another ice cream.
Make sure it’s a Magnum.